“Do well in 10th and 12th, you’re set.”
“Do good in Engineering, you’re set.”
“Do great in your work, the world is all yours!”
Somewhere along the way, I made an exhausting arrangement with myself: I could enjoy life once I had sorted it out.’
A reasonable condition. Just a few loose ends. Work, money, the future, and my entire personality.
Then I could relax. Properly. Without that small, managerial voice asking whether this was really the best use of a Sunday.
The trouble is, every time I sort something out, something else develops a concern. Life has an impressive commitment to keeping the agenda full.
Which brings me to two laboratory mice. Remember Pinky and the Brain?
For years, I thought Brain had everything set for himself. Have a plan. Think bigger. Apply yourself. Surely, with enough intelligence and determination, you could eventually get things to work out.
His chosen project: world domination. Mine have generally involved fewer lasers, but I recognise the underlying assumption: happiness will become available once everything goes according to plan.
An ambitious dependency.
Pinky, meanwhile, seemed delighted just to be there.
Imagine spending every evening on an unsuccessful attempt to conquer the planet and still being pleased to see your colleague the next day. I have allowed a poorly worded email to compromise an entire week.
There is something worth examining here.
What appeals to me about Pinky now is his ability to enjoy an evening that has achieved absolutely nothing. He can find something interesting in it. Something funny. Something worth coming back for.
Brain needs the world to change before the night can count as a success.
Pinky has a considerably more achievable standard.
I would like some of that.
I still seek purpose, I want to do good work. I want to build things, earn well, and follow through on plans that matter to me. Those desires are staying.
But I am beginning to question why they get to supervise every other part of my life.
Why does a hobby need potential? Why must a quiet afternoon be earned? How did enjoying something become insufficient grounds for doing it?
I suspect I have spent too much time asking what a day produced, and too little noticing whether I liked being in it.
Choosing Pinky, for me, means allowing a few things to be pleasantly useless. Reading or doing something that will never improve my career. Following a ridiculous thought. Letting a good moment finish without asking how to recreate it more efficiently.
Tomorrow, there will still be work to do and problems worth solving. Brain can help with those.
Tonight, I think I’ll have a cup of tea and do something that contributes absolutely nothing to my five-year plan.
I expect the plan will survive.